Paw Broon - It's all doon the hill fae here

These are just some o’ the many superlatives that huv been used tae describe whit has tae go down in ma humble opinion as the best Scottish performance playing away fae home ever.

That’s right folks, you guessed it, yer auld pal Paw picked up a bonnie wee French floozie in Paris and gave her several nights ay pure Celtic passion she’ll no forget in a hurry.

Nicole wis her name.

And, afore ye ask, naw, she wisnae the burd whit used tae say “Papa?” in they annoying Renault TV Commercials, although ah must confess ah widnae mind gie’in that particular oiseaux a knee trembler in the back ay a Renault any time she fancies either.

This wis another Nicole entirely. No so skinny. And much bigger funbags.

And although she didnae whine “Papa?” every 10 seconds, she did scream “Paw!!” quite often fer reasons which should be obvious tae all but nuns.

Getting back tae the aforementioned superlatives, Nicole telt me “Ooh la la Paw, you are a fantastique, superbe and magnifique lover and you are simply, ow you say, ze most formidable sex god, yes?” and who am I tae disagree with a lady?

The “Wow!” part wis her initial reaction tae the size uv ma willie. In case ye wondered.

For verily, it is indeed awesome. A bit like the Eiffel Tower. But no so rusty.

Anyway, the thing is, ah wis huvvin that much fun showin’ her whit a true Scotsmen keeps under his kilt and precisely whit it’s for that ah couldnae be arsed tae drag maself away tae get tae the match at the Parc des Princes and ah huv been “holed up” (if ye’ll pardon the expression) in hur boudoir ever since the night afore the game.

It’s a shame ah missed the fitba match, mind, but it wis well worth it. Ah dare say ah didnae miss much, apart fae a guid humpin by ra French nae doubt.

Ah’ve bin that occupied administerin’ some guid humpin o’ ma ain that ah huvnae even hud time tae pop oot fer a paper.

Dis embdy ken whit the score wis?

Naw. On second thoughts, dinnae tell me. It wid be a shame tae spoil ma otherwise glorious memories uv Paris.

Why dae they call it “Gay Paris” anyway?

It wis pure Hetero fae where ah wis standing.