WORLD CUP DIARY, JULY 2006

Portugal's Christiano Ronaldo might no be welcome in Manchester any mair, but ah think it's safe tae say he'll always be a hero in Scotland fae noo on.

Ah cannae believe the wailing and gnashing of teeth that emanated fae the Ingerrlish media aboot Ronaldo's part in getting the Wean Looney sent off in Ingerrlund's Quarter Final defeat tae Portugal.

"Rooney should stick one on him," says Alan Shearer in a live televisual display of exactly why the English are renowned across the world for their abhorrence of violent conduct and good grace in defeat.

"Ronaldo should be ashamed of himself," says Alan Hansen, obviously trying desperately hard not tae wet hisself laughin' at England's misfortune.

"Eeee's just scum, innit, knaaa wot ah meen?" says Ian Righty Wright.

"I don't know about you, Mark, but that has to be one of the most unsporting incidents I've witnessed since 1966, the year that England won the World Cup, beating Germany 4-2 after extra-time with a hat-trick from Geoff Hurst" says John Motson.

Is it just me, or wis there a point being missed here?

See, ah wis under the distinct impression that the monkey midget got sent off for kicking the Portuguese boy in the haw maws. Nothing mair, nothing less.

The referee wis all of three feet away frae the incident and clearly didnae require Ronaldo tae point oot whit had just happened right under his nose.

Rule 46b of the Rules of Association Football clearly state that "a deliberate boot in the bollocks" is a straight sending off offence. Nae doubt about it.

But oh no, as always with Ingerrlund, it has to be Johnny Foreigner's fault that they're cheated out of their World Cup winning destiny.

Nothing whatsoever to do with the Scouser dwarf's violent behaviour.

Nothing whatsoever to do with Sven Boring Eriksson's tactical ineptitude.

Nothing whatsoever to do with Ingerrlund's over-paid, over-rated, over-pampered and over-sexed "stars" under-performing.

Of course not.

A big foreign boy done it and ran away.

And, just tae compound the whole "I'm not to blame" mentality of him and his team, psycho Rooney has the brass neck tae arrive home and announce tae the world that it was actually "a loss of balance" that caused his boot tae connect wi' Carvalho's cojones.

Feckin right it wis a loss ay balance ya bampot. A loss ay balance in yer feckin heid. Ye're unhinged if ye truly expect anybody tae believe that whit hundreds ay millions uv people aroond the world witnessed wi thur ain eyes wis "an accident".

Apparently the whole thing wis all Carvalho's doing - in Wayne's own words, "He slid in from behind me and, unfortunately, ended up in a position where my foot was inevitably going to end up as I kept my balance."

Aye sure, son. Don't you just hate it when that happens. See these bloody foreigners deliberately and provocatively stickin thur gonads in precisely the spot wherr ye're aboot tae stand? It's a pure feckin disgrace soitis.

"When I saw the red card, I was gobsmacked" he says.

If only, Wayney boy, if only. Thurs nae doubt that a smack in the gob wid huv been nuthin less than ye deserved.

Fuxxache.

At least Beckham hud the decency tae acknowledge his wrongdoing in 1998. Rooney, on the other hand, seems quite happy tae add "liar" tae an impressively growing list of descriptive nouns that already include "thug" and "granny-shagger".

The body language at the time uv the incident is whit gives Rooney away. Anybody who has ever played Sport of any kind and at any level will tell ye that if ye accidentally injure an opponent, yer immediate and instinctive reaction is tae reach oot a hand towards the injured party in a display of apologetic concern, as if tae say "Och shite, ah'm sorry pal, are ye awright?"

Rooney's reaction tae stamping on Portuguese meatballs, however, wis a sneering glance of disdain at his writhing victim as if tae say "ye might be a Portuguese wanker but ye'll no be wankin wi they goods tonight ya bastard" before turning away.

"Accident" my feckin arse. Please, dinnae insult ma intelligence by even suggesting it.

So, as one Irish wag so succinctly put it, in the final analysis England's whole World Cup, a campaign that began with the burning question of whether Rooney's foot could withstand an opponent's tackle, finished somewhat ironically with the question of whether an opponent's tackle could withstand Rooney's foot.

My how we laughed.

Still, looking on the positive side, at least Scotland won a trophy this summer so it's not all doom and gloom eh?

The history books will, of course, record that Italy won the big prize, but there are several subsidiary trophies to be handed out. It gives me great pleasure, therefore, to announce the lucky recipients of the Paw Broon World Cup 2006 Awards.

The Tartan Army Award for the best supporters in the tournament - Germany. Awesome backing from first game to last.

The Reverend Ian Paisley Award for Outstanding Contribution to Bigotry and Racism - Who else but the reigning Champions and ten times previous winners of the trophy, the magnificent England supporters for their splendidly hilarious brandishing of Spitfire inflatables in their hosts' faces and their repeated chanting of "No surrender to the IRA" in the quarter final against Portugal, a staunchly Catholic country.

The Jake LaMotta Award for best impersonation of a raging bull - Zinedine Zidane, one of the best headers of a chest ever to grace a World Cup finals.

The Hans Christian Andersen Award for believing in Fairy Tales - The English Public who swallowed the pre-tournament media hype that their team would actually win it. When will they ever learn?

The Paul Gascoigne Award for crying like a big blubbering bairn - David Beckham.

The Mrs Malaprop Award for mangling the English language beyond recognition - Ian Wright.

The Playground Bully Award for resorting to pulling an opponent's hair like a big lassie - Peter Crouch.

The Richard Burton "Koh-I-Noor Diamond" Award for the most ostentatious public flaunting of obscene wealth in this, or any other, World Cup - Awarded jointly to the English footballers' WAG's (Wives and Gold-diggers).

The Mahatma Ghandi Award for Self Restraint - John Motson for his incredible display of self-control in going 31 whole minutes into the World Cup Final commentary before mentioning Geoff Hurst.

The Quentin Tarantino Award for Gratuitous Violence - a late run from Zinedine Zidane put him in contention for this one but after deciding that Zidane was verbally provoked into his violent outburst the judges decided to stick with their original nominee and give the award to the genuinely mindless Wayne Rooney. Well deserved.