There was consternation and outrage today when it was announced that the cost of building the Scottish Parliament would double to £960m and that the opening would be delayed by a further 2 years.

The cause of the latest blow to this prestige project is the humble mobile phone. The Parliament building is set at the bottom of a valley and boundaried on either side by Arthurs Seat and Calton Hill. It is a natural mobile phone black spot. Additionally, the tons of steel and concrete used in construction ensured that it would be well nigh impossible to get acceptable mobile phone reception within the building.

In order to fill in their considerable leisure time, MSP's have become used to ordering cocaine, call girls, pizzas and bikini waxes from their mobiles. A lack of reception in the new Parliament would have played havoc with this and so they demanded action.

A Wanker indicates how much difference he expects Parliament to make

And today they got their answer. The solution lies in new technology, the appropriately named Wide Area Network Kaleyard Expansion Radio (WANKER).

However, turning MSP's into Wankers is not without its problems. Wankers have to wear mobile aerials on their heads. The aerials amplify weak signals, boosting them sufficiently for the universal transmission and reception of mobile signals within the Parliamentary complex.

The height of a tall Wanker (an MSP-plus head worn mobile aerial) is calculated to be eight feet and seven inches; too tall to get through most of the doorways in Parliament.

MSP's were given the option of either going without mobile signals, or replacing all the doors in the building. By a majority of 120-2 they voted to replace all the doors. In order to assuage public opinion they also voted to recycle the existing doors. These will now be re-purposed as convertible beds/massage tables for each MSP's office.

A spokesperson for Parliament, speaking exclusively to FirstFoot, said "It is essential in a modern democracy that MSP's are accessible using an array of technologies. This solution ensures that the Scottish public will always be able to speak to the Wankers in Parliament."