As Celtic FC prepare for their first European Final in 32 years, it would appear that confidence amongst some of their fans has reached wholly unrealistic levels, although not necessarily on the footballing front.

The Catholic Church has warned the 50,000 Celtic supporters heading for the game in Seville not to "go sex mad".

A Church spokesman said that "the basic rules of morality are not suspended just because Celtic are in a cup final. The opportunity will doubtless be there for people to live to excess, whether through alcohol or drugs or reckless sexual behaviour. All Catholics should be guided by their conscience. If they are, they will think twice about their sexual and moral conduct while in Spain."

Ladies of Spain, you have a choice You could shag this perfect specimen of Scottish manhood Or this anorexic wee Spanish guy who is so thin his skiddies are falling off

Even the Health Education Board of Scotland has gone sex daft and is handing out 20,000 leaflets to fans flying to Seville and the nearby Costa del Sol, warning of the dangers of catching sexually transmitted diseases.

Excuse me?

Slight pause for reality check, if you please.

Has anybody asked the senoritas of Seville what they think about this delightful prospect?

"Hola, Juanita! Eet ees so exciting, yes?"

"Si, Isabella, I can 'ardly wait to get my 'ands on one of these sexy Celts!"

"Me too, Juanita. I am so bored with our suntanned, fit and 'andsome Spanish hombres, and eet will be so good to get a shag from a flabby, sweaty, peely-wally ned in a shell suit, yes?"

"Si, si, too right, Isabella. And I am told that a few of zem even have their own teeth!"

"Phwoaaarrr! I am moist just theenking of ze prospect."

"Yes, eet is a wonderful opportunity for us. And, who knows, perhaps zey will even try to woo us into bed with promise of pies and Irn Bru, or if we are very lucky, a few bottles of Buckie!"

It's a picture we would frankly rather not conjure up.

Let's just hope that if anybody scores in Seville, it's confined to one or more of the players, and preferably on the pitch.