"Stay away" say festival organisers

The organisers of P in the Park, Scotland's premier outdoor music festival, have pleaded with politicians to stay away from next years event.

There were several potentially disastrous stampedes at this years event as thousands of young festival-goers desperately tried to avoid being photographed with Jack (Shagga) McConnell, the Scottish First Minister, who attended on the final day.

"My Mammy went tae school wi him and she said he wiz a right minge-bag. So ah'm no huvvin ma photie taken wi him" explained Senga McClung aged 17.

"Aye, he's a shitey auld, drippy, suit werring, bawbag" added Ned, Senga's companion for the day, a delightful eighteen stone picture of elegance in a shell suit and baseball cap.

A P in the Park spokesperson explained that the problem was mainly with the vast media entourage that politicians brought with them as they sought photo opportunities that might give them credibility with the youth vote.

The spokesperson denied that the organisers were concerned about reports that Shagga was on the prowl for a lumber.

This is a further blow to the prestige of Scotland's politicians. It comes hard on the heels of a plea by Scottish tourist chiefs for politicians to spend their holidays abroad.

There had been a huge protest from owners of hotels and bed and breakfast establishments when Shagga and several other prominent Scottish politicians announced their intention to spend their summer holidays in the Highlands and Islands.

Accommodation owners had been swamped by last-minute holiday booking cancellations from tourists desperate to avoid spending their holidays near a politician. "One woman phoned me and said that she would rather have a set of bagpipes inserted sideways into her rectum, than spend a minute with one of those profligate, conceited numpties" said Euphemia MacFee, owner of the "A Wee Hoose oan the Prairie" bed and breakfast in Auchenshoogle.

A special web site for politicians called "Don't Visit Scotland.com" has been set up by a group of hoteliers. Supported by public subscription, the site plans to collect enough money to send all of Scotland's MSP's on holiday for 51 weeks of year. They would be allowed back for New Year when Parliament is closed.