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| Vey tall with a big intellect
- King Shagger, First Minister of Scotland |
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"Forget the cost of the Parly",
that was the message from the newly invigorated First Minister
of Scotland, "Shagger" Jack McConnell at the opening
for business of the new and 50 times over cost Scottish Parliament
building.
"Whatever it cost, we're worth
it" was his message to both of the cheering crowd assembled
to celebrate the event.
"We will take forward a new, dynamic,
purposeful, people-centric, meaningful, stakeholder-centric,
cliche-free agenda for the people of Scotland. I say to the
people of Scotland 'Ask not what you can do, ask what do can
for you'."
"To demonstrate my clear vision
for a progressive, but not radical, Scotland, I have introduced
a full set of agenda challenging legislation. Let nobody be
in any doubt, that this is a do can executive, delivering
for a do can Scotland."
"With this legislative programme,
we will demonstrate to the people of Scotland that we are
a world class legislature and that I am a world class statesman
(even if I am slightly on the short side ... 5 foot 6 and
three quarters, but taller if I wear my built up insoles)."
"So it is with much pleasure that
I introduce this ground-breaking legislative programme. One
that will set the tone for this new, deeply empowered Scotland.
I recommend this to Scotland for a new century. Let it be
seen that this new Parliament means a new do can Scotland."
| Parking
Zone Act |
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A
new bill defining the width of single and double yellow
lines |
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| Parking
Zone Powers Act |
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A
new bill defining the allowable hues of yellow and red
for parking zone demarcation |
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| Parking
Meter Act |
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A
new bill defining the height that parking meter payment
slots should be set in order to not discriminate against
people of short stature ( note: The First Minister is
officially taller that the minimum "short person"
description and therefore should not be thought of, or
referred to, as a "short person" and in no way
should it be inferred that this legislation delivers any
personal benefit to him. |
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| Parking
Meter (Orange Crate) Act |
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All
parking meters that are designated as pre-"Parking
Meter Act" height, must have an orange crate securely
affixed to the stanchion of the meter, thereby affording
persons of shorter stature the opportunity to introduce
the coinage of the realm into said parking meter for to
pay for parking.) |
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| Greyhound
racing act |
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Maximum
speed limits for greyhound racing and a new bill for greyhound
disability equal right racing. Three-legged and lesbian
greyhound racing are covered by this bill. |
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| Purchase
of Buckfast Act |
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Purchase
of Buckfast tonic wine to be limited to the hours of 00:05
to 23:55 on the Sabbath |
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| Offensive
soap operas Act |
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Ensuring
that replacements for "Take the High Road" are
better than the original (supported by a public petition
to bring back Mrs Mack. Bill sponsored by Mrs Mack and
friend. |
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| Nose
picking in public Act |
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Public
broadcasters to be banned from lowering the tone of the
Parliament by filming members picking their noses, scratching
their arses, copulating or snorting cocaine |
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| Public
Holidays Act |
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Legislation to introduce a new public holiday. McConnell
Day will celebrate the achievements of people of below
average height
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| Broadband
Act |
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New
powers to protect overweight musicians "carried over"
from previous parliamentary session. |
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