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It's
me - Jack McConnell - the cleverest and best looking
politician in Scotland
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I have decided to publish my diary in
order to secure my rightful place in history and to let the
ordinary Scots man and woman know the quality of the man who
is their leader. No stone will be left unturned and no cliché
deemed too trite.
Monday
Morning
Meet with all my pals in the Scottish
cabinet. They are all pals. I chose them very carefully. They
are all much more stupid than me and none of them are as good
looking. This is a careful strategy to make sure that I am
perceived as the best looking and cleverest politician in
Scotland.
We discuss all the important issues
of the day. This takes more than the five minutes I have allocated
for the discussion so I get cross. If it goes on much longer
I'll be late for my personal hairdresser.
My personal hairdresser arrives. We
have a two hour discussion on how to prepare my hair for Tartan
Day in America. I will be representing Scotland and intend
to look every inch the modern, forward-looking statesman wearing
a skirt.
Afternoon
My personal style guru arrives and we
have a long and serious discussion on the built up insoles
for my shoes. Modern forward-looking statesmen are tall, intellectual,
serious and good looking. The good looking part has never
been a problem for me.
We decide that I might look too much
like an old tart if I totter about on built up shoes while
wearing a skirt and abandon the insoles idea.
Tuesday
Morning
Inspect the progress of my new offices
in the Holyrood Parliament. Lots of minor details such as
information infrastructure, security and administration. I
am angry when I discover that the full length mirror that
I had specified has not yet arrived. Discuss with architects
where this should be sited. Decide on far wall opposite desk.
This way I will be able to practice my statesmanlike walk
and smile in some detail.
Afternoon
Meeting with the heads of the Civil
Service in Scotland to discuss the legislative programme for
the forthcoming year. There are some really important issues
coming up. I decide to send all the important issues off to
Westminster for them to do.
That after all, is the purpose of modern
statesmen; to make decisions.
Meet with my press officer to go through
the days papers and see how many photos of me there are.
I particularly like the one in the Daily
Record where I'm doing my cheeky wee smile. I dictate a letter
to the editor of The Glasgow Herald warning him that he will
not be invited to the Bute House Barbecue if he prints any
more photos of me that do not show my best profile.
Wednesday
Morning
This is a very important day for Scotland.
I have the final fitting for the Tartan Ball outfit. I have
to say that I am delighted. I look every inch the modern,
forward-looking statesman, even if I am slightly on the short
side without the built-up insoles.
Those ill-informed foreigners who think
that Scotland is a country where men walk around wearing tartan
skirts are going to look pretty stupid after this.
I receive good news on the costs of
the Holyrood Parliament. My full length mirror has arrived
and the architects managed to obtain a discount on the purchase
price. We all have to do our bit to make sure that the costs
are under control.
Afternoon
Visit St Mungo's Primary School to demonstrate
my commitment to education and to have a photo-shoot opportunity
that will ensure my picture is in all the Scottish papers.
Am pleased to note that the photographer from The Glasgow
Herald is shooting me from my best side.
More next week ..........
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