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Scotland holds its breath as the whole
nation awaits the outcome of the forthcoming SNP leadership
contest.
As John Swinney, the hero of the hour,
rides off into the sunset and a well deserved rest after the
fantastic job he has done for the cause of the Union, the
protagonists jostle for position.
The rituals are observed, the deep affection
that they hold for John Swinney, the massive contribution
he has made to the party, how sorely missed he will be, all
the while hiding their towering political vanities and the
blood-red daggers freshly extracted from Swinney's back.
FirstFoot is pleased to bring you our
own analysis of the strengths and weaknesses of the front
runners:
| Who |
Strengths |
Weaknesses |
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| Hamish
McTadger |
|
Weighing in at 23 stones, Hamish
is the nearest that the SNP has to a true political
heavyweight.
He has developed a cutting edge
knowledge of the public houses and restaurants of Edinburgh
and is recognised as a leading authority on garlic bread.
Has held a number of roles within
the party, most recently as spokesperson on health.
|
As
a frequently incoherent, chain-smoking, practising alcoholic,
may not be the modern face that the party wishes to
portray.
His
frequent visits to late evening accident and emergency
clinics may not endear him to the law and order lobby.
|
| |
|
|
 |
| Effie
MacLung |
|
Her sharp mind is as feared by political opponents
as her titanium nipple caps are by her male suitors.
The darling of the television studios and the politician
journalists turn to when they need an unintelligible
quote.
Is currently Party spokesperson for Rabbit Rights and
Fish Integration.
|
Seen by many in
the party as too extremist. Her recent autobiography "Fuck
off back to England ya wee jobby" was viewed with
distaste by moderate members. |
| |
|
|
 |
| Iain
MacLoud |
|
The most right wing of the candidates.
Has campaigned for numerous Scottish issues such as
the return of the poll tax, the introduction of a Scottish
apartheid and tagging of all non-Scots residents.
Is currently Party spokeperson
on Social policy.
|
His tax exile residency status
in Argentina will count against him in many quarters.
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| Janet |
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Stands for traditional values
and the middle way.
Has somewhat old-fashioned views
that appeal to the older generation of Scots voters.
|
Dead. |
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