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Who are the people
behind FirstFoot?
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| We are, obviously. |
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Can you be a bit more specific?
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Oh alright then.
We are two simple
Scottish patriots who believe in freedom of speech and the
honest, warts and all portrayal of our country beyond the
sanitised shortbread-tin image so beloved of our tourist industry
and most other Scottish websites.
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What does
a Scotsman wear under his kilt?
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Possibly the single-most
frequently asked question of them all and one which requires
careful consideration.
The answer has to be
nothing, purely on the basis that Scotsmen no longer wear
the kilt, so the question is null and void, but for those
that do (normally in support of either the Scotland Rugby
or Football teams), a big fat zero is still the answer.
That's usually a very
shrivelled big fat zero by the way.
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Why is the
Scottish International football team so shite?
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So as not to distract
attention away from how superb the Scottish supporters are.
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Why do the
Scots hate the English?
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We could give you all
that historical guff about being invaded and interfered with
for centuries before finally being swallowed whole against
the democratic wishes of the Scottish people, but the real
truth in a civilised 21st century Scotland is that we don't
hate the English at all.
We just pretend to,
because we know it annoys them so much.
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Why haven't
you included (insert as appropriate) on your site yet?
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Two reasons. Firstly,
there are only so many hours in the day and we probably just
haven't got round to him/her/them/it yet. And secondly, because
it's our site and we'll bloody well choose what we do or don't
include on it.
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What has the
Scottish Parliament achieved so far?
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Good question.
Other than erecting
a building whose eventual price keeps escalating by the day,
and upsetting the British Unionists by their very existence,
we really haven't a clue.
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What is Tossing
the Caber all about?
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People are often curious
to know why men in the Highlands use tree trunks to pick up
and throw high into the air, for no apparent reason other
than to see how it lands. The answer is simple. In the Highlands
there is never an Englishman lying about when you want one,
so trees have to suffice.
The best caber tossers tend to be
physically very big and Scotland has no lack of champions
in this particular sport. Indeed, some of the biggest tossers
in the world are Scottish.
The sport has also been exported to
many countries with large ex-pat communities and Canada in
particular is full of tossers.
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Why do the Scots
never support England?
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There are 2 answers
to this:
If you are reading this and you are
English; it's because you are arrogant, imperialist, insensitive,
ugly, stupid, money-grabbing bastards.
If you are not English; we do
it because it annoys the fuck out of them and they can't wrap
their heads round it (due mainly to in-breeding because no
other nation wants to shag them).
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Will Scotland
be independent again one day?
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Yes. Next question.
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Why are the Scottish
Football fans so well-behaved in comparison to England's?
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Because we don't drink,
don't smoke, don't swear and we go to Church every Sunday.
And we have parents who are married.
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How come a big
mush of rotting cereal and stuff mixed with boggy water and
left to fester can become the world's most popular drink?
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Advertising and Prohibition,
but not in that order.
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What's all this
Catholic V Protestant rivalry stuff in the West of Scotland
about?
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Nae idea. Read the
Bible for clues.
We think it might be
something to do with football though.
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Why did they build
Edinburgh Castle so far from the shops in Princes Street?
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For the same reason
they didn't build an escalator up to the esplanade you stupid
American twat.
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Was William Wallace
really Australian, like in the film?
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No.
He came from near Paisley,
which is just as awful.
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Why were the Bay
City Rollers?
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This is one of those
imponderable questions that can't really be answered, like
why does influenza exist?
Like every one of their
songs, there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to it.
The Rollers were something
of an accident that just happened without any real justification
and we're very, very sorry and would like to apologise profusely
to the world on behalf of the Scottish nation with our promise
that it will never, ever be allowed to happen again.
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What
does a deep fried Mars Bar taste like ?
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| Shite !!! |
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Do the Scots
take pleasure from England's failures?
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Yes.
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Why
does Whisky get you drunk ?
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| In order to stimulate
sales of Barrs Irn Bru, the world's finest hangover cure. |
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Do Scotsmen
wear anything under a kilt ?
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| Only
if they have very small penises. See |
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Has
The Scotsman always been a crap paper ?
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No, at one time The
Scotsman sold lots of copies, employed highly respected journalists,
was profitable and was a good read
This, of course, was
pre-
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Is
Andrew Neil Scotland's ugliest man ?
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Syphilis
is a debilitating disease. There is a possibility that a Scotsman
may be living with this disease and this may have made the
unfortunate person uglier than Andrew Neil.
But, it
is unlikely.
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Who has the
biggest penis in Scotland?
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Undoubtably,
it is Andrew Neil who has a penis so large that he tucks it
up under his shirt, strapped up his chest so that it appears
out of his shirt collar looking vaguely like a head.
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Does
Brian Montieth have a big willy ?
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| No, Brian Montieth has
a very small penis. |
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| What
does haggis taste like ? |
| Shite !! |
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| Why
do Scots people drink so much ? |
| To forget
............ something ..... |
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| What
is the ugliest town in Scotland ? |
| Without question, it
has to be Cowdenbeath. Apologies to all you peoploids with a
soft spot for Cowdenbeath, but it is a complete shithole. |
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| What
is the ugliest village in Scotland ? |
| Difficult, but FirstFoot
prefers Fallin, near Stirling. Once again, apologies to the
good people of Fallin, but it is a mingin' slagheap. |
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| Who
is the sexiest woman in Scotland ? |
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That Jackie Bird newsreader
lassie may have figured on some peoples list. Until she did
the 2000 Hogmanay Show and wore a revealing wee number. Unfortunately
what we got to see wiznae that great (it wiz enuff tae put
you aff yer bevvy, so it wiz). So, she's aff the list.
It has to be that Hazel
Thingummy fae Scotsport. FirstFoot thinks she is a cloned
Dougie Donnelly after a sex change.
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| Who
is the sexiest man in Scotland ? |
| Undoubtedly,
Paw Broon !!!! |
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| What
are the ingredients of a Haggis ? |
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Coarse sand
Curry Sauce from Tony's
Chippy in Barrhead
Three day old mince
Dessicated Black Jacks
All stuffed inside
a burst plastic football
Yum !!!!!
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| Do
Scotsmen make good lovers ? |
| Most Scots men can maintain
an erection all night. However, they may be asleep for most
of this time. |
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| Are
Midgies really a nuisance ? |
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Does the Pope shit
in the woods ?
Midgies are right annoying
wee bastards !!!
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| Why
do Scots use so much brown sauce ? |
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Because the food tastes
bloody awful without it.
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Are all
Scots men called "Jimmy" ?
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No. Some Scots men
are also called Ken.
In these instances,
sentences like "ah'm doolally Jimmy, ken", can be
confusing.
The above sentence
means "My friend, I am vertically challenged due to over
indulgence in alcohol. Have you experienced this before ?"
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Do
Scotswomen make good lovers ?
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Yes.
Many Scots women will
consent to making love before consuming vast quantities of
alcohol and/or drugs.
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Is
there a European standard for Sporrans ?
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Yes. Under
article 34523 of European law, a Sporran must be able to hold:
12 cans
of lager
20 Embassy
Regal
£ 235
in coins
Passport
Match
tickets
Mobile
phone
Half bottle
of whisky
And a
fish supper
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